exohbabe's Journal

Welcoming Myself To LJ! Woot woot!
Okay, so I am very very very new to this whole LJ thing. I've had TONS of usernames on here before, but I could never keep them updated. But hopefully I'll be able to keep this one up. And I think I actually will keep it up this time. Because, well, now I actually have something to say. And a lot of things that I need to sort through, things that I could never share with my parents or my friends in real life. I mean, I know for a fact that they'll just judge me, and say that whatever I'm going through is stupid. Because, you know, thats how friends and family are. Whenever you bring up a topic thats painfull, or to hard to think about, they change the subject. Or at least thats how I think my family and friends are. Not that I've really tried to talk to them about my problems, but whatever. I guess I'm sort of getting off topic, but then again, who cares! This is my journal, and theirs not a paper trail, so my mother won't be able to read my thoughts. So yeah, I guess now your all wondering what my problems are, aren't you? Well, I would tell you, if I had any clue as to what they are myself. On the outside and at school, I seem like your average teenage girl. I make good grades. I never get in trouble. I participate in extra-curricular activities and I play on the basketball team. I've taken dance since I was three, and after a year long break, I'm about to take it up again, along with gymnastics. But you see, no one understands. No one see's whats actually going on with me. I try to avoid eating as much as I can, and when I do, I feel terrible about myself, and end up trying to gag it out of me. Sometimes bloods mixed in, and even though it scares me, I continue to do it. This hasn't been going on for long, just a couple of weeks now, and I'm not sure whats started it. I used to try to starve myself for perfection, and I used to try to throw up my meals, but it never worked. Until now. And now, now its like an addiction. Like a drug I can't give up. I'm thirteen years old, and I've probably done more self destruction to my body then my fourty year old mother ever has. And yet she doesn't even notice this. I can't seem to get down to the size I want to be, and nothing seems right. I still seem fat in my eyes, even though in the eyes of others I'm average. But I guess thats what this is all about. I'm sick of being average, of watching others do things that I only dream of trying to do. I'm far from being voted most popular. I'm far from being the best player on my schools basketball team. I am far from perfection. And my body, my size and how I look, thats the only thing I can control.

Advertisement